Fear In Discovery
by evilexboyfriend
Summary: Sequel to Saudade . On an impromptu trip to New York, Thor and Loki realise you can't fix the past as easily as you can hide it. HIPSTER/MIDGARDIAN AU. Warnings for pseudo-incest, foul language, angst and explicit content in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

"_Dentro de todo secreto acecha el miedo a descubrirlo."  
(Within every secret lurks the fear of discovering.)- Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell. _

**Fandom**- Thor (HIPSTER/MIDGARDIAN AU)  
**Ship-** Thor/Loki  
**Rating:** NC-17 (not necessarily in this chapter)  
**Warnings-** pretty much the same a Saudade; sex, drugs, alcohol, foul language etc etc. Oh, and Tony Stark somewhere along the line…  
**Summary;** sequel to Saudade. On an impromptu trip to New York, Thor and Loki realise you can't fix the past as easily as you can hide it.

_A/n: Genuinely, I have no idea how long you're meant to leave it before posting a sequel but I've started it so you know why not? _

* * *

Prelude

Three months ago.

"_How did you get that bruise?"_

_Loki tugged down his t-shirt so it met the waistband of his jeans, turning with a frown on his face._

"_What bruise?"_

_His voice was too high._

"_The one on your hips," Thor said. Loki dropped his innocent expression and shrugged._

"_Probably in a club," he said shortly. "I can't remember."_

_Thor watched him turn back to Cloud Atlas and decided it was too early to grab him and tug up his shirt. The foundations of their relationship had been shattered and Thor still didn't know for sure if they could start again. He could only hope._

* * *

Nine weeks ago.

_Thor thinks maybe they're going to work. Maybe this time things won't get fucked up again. Loki smiles more, talks a bit more, holds Thor's hand. When they fuck it's like everything is how it was, but like everything is different. They kiss and claw and pull and bite like the world is ending, desperate and not quite how it should be, but exactly how they have always been._

_Loki still doesn't tell him everything like he used to. Or maybe he never really did tell him everything. Maybe he used his silver tongue to weave lies about how he was fine, how they were fine when really nothing was fine, it never was and it might never be._

_Thor clutched at his hair in the darkness and wished that he could return to a time when these thoughts never entered his mind._

* * *

Two months ago.

_Thor watched Loki's chest go up and down and clasped his hand, hot tears falling. Loki was still, eyes closed, face white against the black hair spread like a halo on the hospital pillow. The gown settled into the curves of his sleeping body; the dip of his ribs, the rise of his hips. He would have looked like an angel had it not been for the bruises under his eyes, the tubes in his veins, the quiet hum of the machines around him. _

_Cocaine overdoses can stop people's lungs, stop their hearts, stop their brains. The doctor says it usually takes 24 hours after emergency treatment to know whether the victim is out of danger or not._

_So Thor waited for 24 hours, and for 24 hours he hated himself more than he'd hated anything before. _

Seven weeks ago.

_Loki woke in the night, sweaty and dizzy. Blood pounded in his ears and it took him a moment to realise blood was also dripping from his nose._

"_Shit," he muttered, standing far too quickly and tripping over his own feet, falling with a _thud_. Thor shot up in bed immediately, blinking like an owl in the black of the bedroom._

"_Loki?" he croaked, fumbling for the bedside light. He flicked it on and scrambled out of the tangle of sheets, padding round to crouch in front of his brother. Loki turned his face away but Thor caught it softly in a large hand. _

"_Hey," he whispered. "Hey, it's okay, the doctor said this might happen. It's only been a week."_

_Loki smiled weakly and semi-apologetically as Thor helped him to his feet, leading him toward the bathroom. He lifted Loki's chin and dabbed at the blood on his face with his other hand. _

"_Are you alright?" he asked when the smaller man had stopped bleeding. Loki nodded slightly, but at the same time he said;_

"_I feel sick."_

"_Are you going to _be_ sick?" _

_A pause. Then;_

"_I… yes." _

_Thor said _okay_ and sat with him on the bathroom floor for a few minutes before Loki felt a shudder creep down his spine and vomited into the toilet. Thor stroked his back and held his hair, saying nothing. When Loki had finished he collapsed against Thor's chest, breathing heavily. Thor continued playing with a few strands of pitch hair until Loki's eyes drifted closed. Gently, Thor lifted him bridal-style and Loki hooked his arms around Thor's neck, sleepily burying his face in it's crook. Thor carried him back to the bedroom and slipped him under the covers, climbing in beside him. Loki reached for his hand and they fell asleep with their fingers entwined. _

* * *

Three weeks ago.

_The door clicked shut and Thor switched the television off, stepping into the hall. Loki was tiptoeing into the bedroom._

"_Loki," Thor said and his voice was low. Loki froze then turned with a vaguely sheepish expression on his face. _

"_Don't start, Thor," he said and Thor groaned at the slur in his voice. In a flash, the hall light was on and Loki moaned, shielding his eyes. Thor stepped towards him and pulled his arm down with force. Loki's pupils were wide._

"_Fucking hell," Thor whispered. "Are you fucking serious, Loki?" _

_Loki smirked and Thor resisted the urge to punch him. _

"_What was it?" he demanded. _

_Loki shrugged. "Same as b'fore, I guess."_

"_You're a fucking idiot."_

"_You're obsessive."_

"_Obsessive?" Thor shouted. "I'm obsessive? I'm not obsessive Loki, I'm worried! I'm angry! I'm- I'm your _brother_-"_

"_No you're not," Loki said, face straight, and he sounded so sober and empty. Thor's jaw clenched._

"_You know what I mean."_

"_What?" Loki challenged in a hiss. "What am I to you, Thor? To you, what am I?"_

_Thor rolled his eyes and began to walk away; mumbling something along the lines of "Can't deal with this."_

_Loki began to laugh, high and broken and manic and he didn't stop laughing. His back bumped against the wall, hands clutching at his sides, laughing, laughing._

"_What's so funny?" Thor spat. Loki smiled madly. Thor slapped him and anger made it harder than he intended. Loki's head snapped to the side and the breath flew out of his lungs. Thor shook his head in disgust. "You're an idiot," he said again. As he spun on his heel and slammed the bedroom door behind him, Loki slid down the wall and started to cry._

* * *

Two weeks ago.

_Loki sat on a rickety chair on the balcony, bare feet up and resting on the rail, pale skin warming in the April sun. His head was back, eyes closed, Imogen Heap playing quietly in his earphones. He jumped a little when he felt a kiss on his cheek and he opened his eyes, smiling to see Thor leaning over him with a cup of coffee in his hand. He took it gratefully and Thor sat down on the stool he'd dragged out from the kitchen. _

"_Are you okay?" Thor asked. Loki nodded. Thor hesitated, and then, quietly; "Are _we_ okay?" _

_Loki frowned, sitting up a little. "How do you mean?"_

"_I mean… this… this is still working, right?"_

"_Why wouldn't it?"_

_Thor chewed his bottom lip. "Last week," he said awkwardly. Loki shook his head repeatedly._

"_Thor," he said. "Bar it. Okay? That was nothing to do with us; that was just me, alright?"_

_Thor looked at him as though he were a jigsaw puzzle he couldn't figure, so Loki leant over and kissed him. It was an 'I'm sorry'. It was an 'I forgive you'. It was a 'we're okay, of course we're okay, we'll always be okay.'_

_It satisfied Thor, and neither of them said anything for a long while, until;_

"_I'm bored of London."_

_Thor turned. "What?"_

"_Just at the moment," Loki explained. "I think we need to leave. Just for a bit."_

_Thor stared at Loki, and then looked and stared at the clouds. His eyes followed the skyline of buildings, old and new- mainly old in Soho. He liked London. Loki loved London. But a restless feeling began to manifest itself in his chest as his mind rolled over Loki's words and he looked back to him._

"_Okay," he said. _

* * *

_A/N: basically a prologue or recap or however. Next stop- America! _

_Ps- expect geographical bullshitting; I've never been to New York._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Multiple exclamation marks! Gosh, I am terribly, awfully sorry. My excuse would be that I've been busy but really I've just been the laziest motherfucker. Blimey. Just be patient with me, okay, I never discontinue a story so there will always be updates._

_Yes, that means that Monster Under The Bed might get an ending one day._

_Next stop- U. S of A!_

* * *

Loki was glad that Thor fell asleep on the plane. He shut his eyes and shoved his earphones in and squeezed on to the armrests of his seat so hard his knuckles went white and his fingers went numb. He swallowed the brick lodged in his throat, which did no good as it then simply turned into a horrid, gnawing sensation in his stomach.

Thor didn't need to see him like this.

It wasn't that he hated _flying_.

It was that he hated the turbulence and the popping ears and being so fucking high-this is why people build _boats_ and _bridges_- and the clouds are meant to be viewed from the ground you're not supposed to be _in_ them and the safety talks, you don't get safety talks on trains, that just shows that these airline people fucking _knew_ that you were going to die at some point-

Thor kissed his cheek and Loki tried not to visibly jump as his eyes snapped open.

"Don't worry," Thor murmured dozily. "Nothing bad is gonna happen. Y'know how many planes go in and out of airports safely every day?"

Loki clenched his jaw and took a deep breath, tried not to look terrified and _fuck_ he _hated_ flying.

* * *

Neither of them knew a goddamn thing about New York, except that it was huge and mad. They arrived near midnight but the streets were still lit by electronic billboards and string lights and street lamps and restaurant windows and the TAXI signs on the tops of cabs. People still buzzed in groups, on their phones, in their cars.

"You know where our hotel is, right?" Thor asked and Loki just smiled, wordless, and hailed a cab with a wave.

* * *

Loki didn't take them to the hotel.

"Where's the nearest sushi place?" he said instead to the driver- a bald man with black skin and the biggest smile Loki had seen since that one time Thor took a tab of LSD by mistake. The cabbie's accent was strong and low and friendly.

"You don't want the nearest one, son, unless you fancy a side-order of food poisoning."

"Take us to the most expensive, then," Loki said and Thor rolled his eyes.

When they arrived Thor felt guilt twist in his stomach as Loki handed the cabbie a £20 note and told his brother to run before he realised what currency he had received.

* * *

"Are you _insane_?" Thor asked as Loki ordered miso soup. "It's half past one- and we don't have any dollars!"  
The waitress looked positively smitten by Loki's green eyes and winning smile as he thanked her and turned to Thor.

"Which makes it just about dinner time back home," he replied, before adding coolly; "And if you're worried about money, brother, count your lucky stars that I can lie, whereas you turn beetroot red and begin to stutter."

"It's stealing, Loki," Thor said and Loki just smirked.

* * *

By the time they find their hotel (which is shit and all thin walls and fake wood and more like a motel, just not on the road), they're well on their way to drunk on saké and haven't paid for a single thing. Loki stabbed at the lock with the key several times until it slid in, and he shouldered open the flimsy door.

"Loki," Thor said. "There's one bed."

"S'what we paid for."

"Loki, it's a single bed."

Loki spun around and saw the pathetic little thing in the corner of the room. He burst out laughing.

"It's a good job you're so small," Thor said smiling. Loki snorted.

"We're not going to fit in that."

Thor had other ideas, however, scooping Loki up- long limbs batting and flailing- and dumping him unceremoniously on the tiny bed, lowering himself over his brother. Loki smiled up at him, running his hands through Thor's blonde hair and tugging his head down, pressing their lips together.

* * *

"We need," Loki begins the next morning, pulling a crumpled up piece of note-paper from the back pocket of his skinny jeans, "dollars, coffee, a map, cigarettes..."

"An information guide."

"We don't need a fucking information guide," Loki said, dragging on his battered combat boots. As he gripped the sideboard for balance, one foot in the air, a panel tore free in his hand and he found himself blinking in bemusement from the floor.

"Fucking hell, Lokes," Thor laughed. "What did you pay for this place; $3 a night?"

Loki glowered at him.

"Something like that."

* * *

Loki likes the way Thor's face beams at the buzz of New York; all big blue eyes and smiles and blonde stubble and tanned skin. His hair is blowing around in the warm breeze and he shrugs out of his red plaid jacket, shoving it in his blue backpack. Loki prods him in the ribs.

"That's my t-shirt," he said, running his eyes over the grey material, the triangle motif, the tiny red wine stain under the collar.

"Actually, little brother, you stole it from me."

"Bullshit. I bet you can't even remember where it's from."

"An alt+J concert two years ago," said Thor, smugly admiring the glare that marred Loki's features. "The first time you nabbed it from me was the night you were trying to impersonate Spock, really drunk. Actually I think that's where that-" he pointed to the stain, "is where you dribbled trying to say "It's only logical,". You fell asleep on the sofa and I put a blanket over you, because it was too hot for a duvet, and you were still wearing it in the morning, and I haven't got it off you since."

Loki smiled. "You really remember all that?"

Thor nodded. "You've worn it twice during sex."

"And you're _wearing_ it? Skank."

Thor hit his arm. "It's been washed, you idiot. You got in that bar-fight wearing it. You wore it when we went to Darcy's party last year and almost punched me when I nearly ripped it dancing."

"I wore it the night I left," Loki realised, looking at the shirt rather than at Thor's face. Thor's face had fallen, and he didn't dare voice what he was thinking- _you didn't _leave_, you tried to-_

But Loki looked up and said, "It looks better on me."

Thor let the knot in his stomach relax.

"Fuck off, it drowns you."

* * *

The closest place they could exchange their money was three blocks away, so they walked.

They get $500. Loki had been hiding some in an account Thor didn't know about, and Thor had been saving what he earned at his relatively new job in a record store back in Soho, run by one of Loki's friends, Mike- a huge man with a gold tooth who looked like he would sooner deck you than shake your hand, but would actually sooner hug you than squash a fly.

All in all, they were richer than they ever had been.

Once they hunt down a Starbucks and get coffee they move on to a Wal-Mart- a huge exaggeration of Asda with cool American packaging and friendly floor workers. They get vodka, cigarettes, apples, Pop Tarts and more vodka. Thor turned to Loki as they queued to pay and said;

"We have one more thing to get."

"Hm?"

"Lunch."


End file.
